In need of a good chuckle as you go about your business in the garden? Prepare to groan and laugh your way through our collection of the 101 best worst garden jokes. Do not worry, they are not rude, but we are not promising they are funny either. In fact, a number of these would be rejected for Christmas crackers! You have been warned!
1. I started growing some fungi in my garden, but it failed miserably…
I guess there is mushroom for improvement
2. So my neighbor sees me kneeling down, busy in my garden, and asks what I’m doing
“I’m putting all my plants in alphabetical order.”
“Really?! I don’t know how you find the time!”
“It’s right next to the sage.”
3. I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone
Then it dawned on me.
4. Did you hear about the gardener who went crazy?
He was hearing voices in his shed
5. My gardener talked to me about edible herbs I can grow
It was sage advice
6. I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from gardens
I was raking it in
7. Why is Incredible Hulk such a good gardener?
He’s got green fingers.
8. How did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
9. I have a bird feeder in the garden
It also works as a cat feeder
10. My wife is furious at our next-door neighbor who sunbathes nude in her garden…
Personally, I’m on the fence
11. Why did the gardener quit?
His celery wasn’t high enough
12. A friend dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water
I think he meant well
13. What is the gardener’s favorite novel?
War and Peas
14. Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment
The plot thickens…
15. A friend perfected his garden flower beds through a process of trowel and error
16. I used to have a job making furniture out of plants
I’ll tell you; it was no bed of roses
17. What do you call it when worms take over the world?
Global Worming
18. What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck
19. A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
20. What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin pi
21. What is brown and runs round the garden?
A fence
22. It turns out my front lawn is chicken proof
It’s impeccable
23. I used to be terrified of gardening
Then I grew a pear
24. I’m making a belt decorated with herbs from my garden
My friends tell me it’s a waist of thyme
25. Why shouldn’t you tell a secret in a garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears
26. What did the big flower say to the little flower?
What’s up, bud?!
27. What do you call two rows of vegetables?
A duel cabbage way
28. What do trees drink?
Root Beer
29. What do you call a tree from another planet?
A extra-tree-restrial
30. What do you call a homeless snail? A slug
31. What do you call a nervous tree?
A sweaty palm!
32. Why couldn’t the gardener plant any flowers?
He hadn’t botany!
33. I put an electric fence around my garden. My neighbour is dead against it
34. I think I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre yesterday. It might not have been him though, he had his back to the fuchsia
35. What do you call a cheerleading herb? An encourage mint!
36. Why was the cucumber mad?
Because it was a pickle!
37. I can cut down a tree just by looking at it
It’s true! I saw it with my own eyes.
38. How can you tell when a plant is scared?
It soils itself
39. I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants
But you’ve probably heard of herbivore
40. What position does a baby plant serve in the army?
Infant tree
41. Which vegetable is always shivering?
A chilli
42. What is small, red and whispers?
A horseradish
43. What game to herbs play at parties?
Pass the parsley
44. What part of a plant has the most friends?
The Bud
45. My wife told me I planted the wrong flowers…
Oopsie daisy
46. I told my wife that what she is wearing is inappropriate for gardening.
But she’s digging in her heels
47. Why did the cabbage win the race?
Because it was ahead!
48. What did the George Michael say to the gardener?
Rake Me Up Before You Hoe Hoe
49. What kind of vegetable do you get when an elephant walks through your garden?
Squash
50. I was really impressed by the gardener I saw the other day.
He was out standing in his field.
51. I’ve been stealing garden ornaments from my next door neighbour…
Who shall remain Gnomeless
52. Luckily the blade of grass got arrested in the summer
Because he’s about to make bale!
53. Just saw two birds stuck together in the garden.
I think they are velcrows.
54. What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using crop-duster planes?
A re-seeding airline!
55. Most garden statuary is only 30cm tall and waters red hats.
It’s a little gnome fact
56. What was the name of the gardener’s favourite TV show?
Lawn and Order.
57. How do you make leaves fall off of trees?
You don’t – they do it autumn-atically
58. I tried my best to make a complete herb garden
But I just couldn’t find the thyme
59. Did you hear about the engineer who like gardening?
He was developing latest cutting hedge technology
60. I read a novel about a guy who had a small garden. Not much of a plot.
61. Why do plants use photosynthesis?
So they can have a light snack
62. What kind of plant is painful?
A faceplant
63. What plant give you the most electricity?
The currant bush
64. Sherlock Holmes was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting
“A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
65. Why is grass so dangerous?
Because it’s full of blades.
66. My wife said the veg patch had flooded.
Turns out there was a leek.
67. Why couldn’t the crocodile grow any plants?
Because he’s not a proper gator
68. I got attacked by a plant with leaves that looked like pork.
It was a ham bush!
69. Why are plants bad cheerleaders?
Because they’re only rooting for themselves
70. What do you call someone who grows plants by watering them with blood?
A phlebotanist
71. I was walking down the street and from a window, a pot of herbs fell on my head…
I’m alright, it wasn;t a big dill
72. A flower shop burst into flames…
It was a florist fire
73. God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
74. My gardener takes a really long time to cut the grass
It’s like he’s in slow-mow
75. What do you call a tree that’s stuck on a maths problem?
Stumped
76. Why does Elton John not like Iceburg lettuce?
Because he is more of a Rocket Man
77. What do you get in you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot cross bunnies.
78. Why couldn;t the flower ride its bike?
Its petals broke
79. Leaf blowers are dangerous in battle
I hear they’re leaf-all
80. Scientists are using genetics to grow new varieties of herbs
It has led to some amazing exspearmints
81. What do you call a blue bird who’s got run over by a lawn mower?
Shredded tweet
82. Whilst clearing out the garden shed I found a box full of dead batteries.
I’m giving them away free of charge
83. I met a guy who cross-bred insects…
…he was alright at first, but I soon tired of his ant-ticks.
84. What do you call a gardener that has a beard? Hairy Potter
85. Starting your own garden is easy, but picking all of the vegetables?
That’s the harvest part.
86. I had to buy a new lawnmower today.
My old one wasn’t cutting it.
87. I tried using Roundup on the 9 weeds in our backyard.
Now we have 10 weeds.
88. I told my brother not to stand too close to the trees in out backyard.
I don’t know why, but they seem shady.
89. I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers…
…but then I realised I really shouldn’t push my luck.
90. How do you talk to a bunch of pine trees all at once?
On a coniference call
91. I accidentally planted some marijuana seeds in my garden.
It’s all gone to pot
92. Why should you avoid arguing with a cactus?
Too many great points
93. A landscaper’s favourite musical genre?
Mow-town
94. What do you call a gardener’s bank account?
A hedge fund
95. My neighbor just buried $100,000 in hir garden.
…he wanted to make his soil richer.
96. What do you call a tree that does martial arts?
Spruce Lee
97. Why don’t pine trees eat salad?
Because they’re coniferous
98. What happened to the two apple trees that were planted together?
They lives appley ever after.
99. Elton John bought the rabbit in his garden a treadmill.
“It’s A Little Fit Bunny”.
100. What do you get when you chase a rabbit with a garden hose?
Hare spray.
101. Did you hear about the man who was seen naked in his greenhouse?
He was caught with his plants down
